Future You Can’t Always Win
A friend once told me she had recently been given the advice to consider her future self as her BFF. In this exercise she was encouraged to imagine the self she’d be tomorrow, or next week, or next year, and do the things today that will set up that future self for a lovely, successful life. “That way,” she explained, “I’ll feel more motivated to do things I should do but I don’t want to do. I’ll do them for my future self!”
For many — maybe most? — people, this is excellent advice. Another way of saying it might be that it’s excellent advice some of the time. So… when does this wisdom fall short?
Present Actions Are Building Future You
Most motivation advice out there is geared toward people who are struggling to prioritize their future self. There’s an assumption that the general public is choosing the short term comfort and needs encouragement to go for the long term reward, and maybe that’s true. (If the people reading this are the perfectionistic high achievers I’m usually writing to, this probably doesn’t apply to you, but bear with me here.)
When it comes to decision making, particularly for big goals, considering future you is often the way to go. “Would 10-years-older me be happy with this choice? Would she be proud of this decision? Does she have another idea in mind?” (Always good to ask!) I actually chose my grad school in exactly this way — given the choice between two universities, 21yo self asked 30yo self for advice and I chose my program based on the idea that it would make me more of the person I wanted to become. (I literally thought “I want to meet the self this program will make me… so let’s become her!”) Using this technique to make decisions allows you to choose the future that directs your present. I mean that’s kind of a big wow, amiright?
Decision making isn’t the only area this benefits us — prioritizing future you is what allows you to do uncomfortable things that are important in building the life you want to live. If we didn’t consider this, we’d never pursue higher education, or save for a house, or hell, even do the dishes every evening — we’d clean a bowl exactly when we needed it. Completing annoying tasks is a gift to your future self, and that’s just lovely.
There Are Way More Selves Here Than You Think
The problem starts when we forget that “future you” isn’t the only one here. We’ve got oodles of past selves (and if you think they’re not still here, just remember how you still feel like your middle school self in so many uncomfortable — grown up! — social situations). We’ve got selves for every occasion, from daughter-self to sister-self to career-self to friend-self, sitting right alongside the selves that are excited about that big work project and the selves that just want to curl up with a romance novel and a snack.
“Future you” isn’t even the only future you! There may be a productive future you that wants you to stay up late working, yes, but a well-rested future you would be delighted when she remembers how you closed your laptop and went to bed. What a gift you gave her with that early bedtime. One future you is relieved the whole house is spotless, but another is bummed because you lost out on an afternoon out with friends or a messy craft project with the kids.
It’s like there are a million Barbies all piled into your psychological Dream House. The key here is realizing that they all actually do have worth, and allowing each to have a say is important in building who you are.
Future You Can’t Always Win
The annoying truth is, future goals can’t be your only priority. For many high-achievers with anxious perfectionism, the future may be a really nice place to live in (and it’s almost always the first place your mind wanders to — anxiety lives in the future, after all). But the present self — all 5,394 versions of her — also needs attention.
When anxiety is getting the better of my patients, it’s this present self that has often been cast off to the side. If you’re feeling overwhelmed and under water with everything going on in your life, goal-setting and figuring out how to best serve future you is often going to make things worse. Present self needs to be taken care of, and that just can’t wait.
If you want to take a bit of a mind-meltingly existential approach to this issue, think about the fact that neglect of the present self will also eventually become a problem for future you. Not only in the twilight zone way that present you is a past you’s future you (whaaaaaat) but also, maybe more importantly, because present you always needs some attention that will ultimately serve at the yous going forward. Today’s sleep, today’s nutrition, today’s exercise is important to future you! And I’d even count today’s joy to be in that same category. Your whole life is made up of a bunch of todays — if you never prioritize them, you won’t be left with much.
And if nothing else resonates, remember this — future you doesn’t get to benefit from all your hard work if she’s too burnt out to enjoy it. Take a little time to prioritize present you, and your life will be all the better for it.
Take Care of Present YOU with the Help of Therapy for High Achieving Women in New Orleans, LA
If future you is a taskmaster and it’s starting to feel impossible to take a break, book a session with a therapist who specializes in helping high-achievers feel more in control and less like they have to allow anxiety to make their lives smaller. Being high functioning doesn’t mean you don’t deserve help. Reach out to Rebecca AE Smith, Ph.D. and get some relief without sacrificing your success.
Services Offered With Rebecca AE Smith, Ph.D.
Are you a high-achieving woman struggling with anxiety, perfectionism, life transitions, and more? Therapy with Rebecca AE Smith, Ph.D. can help you work through your struggles or challenges to begin managing and coping with your symptoms in healthy ways. So in addition to navigating whether you’re experiencing stress or anxiety in Therapy for Anxiety, I offer Therapy for Women for those who struggle with burnout, stress, work-life balance, navigating relationships, and more. I also provide Therapy for Perfectionism for those struggling to overcome their symptoms and stress of feeling perfect all the time. In my practice, I provide online services for those in Louisiana and Virginia. For more about me check out my About Me page, Blog, and YouTube channel.