Therapy for Perfectionism
In Louisiana & Virginia
It’s time to break up with “perfect”
When addressing anxiety in high-achieving women, perfectionism is an issue that comes up with almost comical frequency. As a psychologist who specializes in the specific challenges faced by the “type-A eldest daughters” among us — the “delight to have in class” student body presidents who grow up to be the MDs, PhDs, DVMs, JDs, CEOs, and PTA chairwomen — the pressures and expectations that we are held to create fertile ground for perfectionistic tendencies to thrive.
I think we all know that perfectionism is “bad,” but… is it? It may feel like the pain of perfectionism is the price to pay for your achievement. Or perhaps it’s not the perfectionism that’s painful — the perfection is the balm, and the painful bit happens when things are still imperfect.
The fact is that perfectionism is, at its core, an offshoot of anxiety. It’s a persistent pursuit of flawlessness coupled with an overwhelming fear of failure or criticism. It’s intense and relentless, and it likes to whisper, “I’m the reason you’re successful, so you better not get rid of me.” (It’s also a damn liar, so please keep that in mind.) I know it’s more complicated than that, though, so let’s get into why it might be time to utilize therapy for perfectionism to break up with this particular coping strategy.
The Good
Like I said, it’s not all doom and gloom in here. It probably often feels like your perfectionism holds you to a higher standard. You know your work / your product / your outcome is going to be the best because you simply won’t stand for less. Any downsides are entirely worth it. This is who you are, and who you are is a badass!
What’s more, when it works, it feels so good. Doesn’t it? It feels like you’re so powerful you’re on top of the world. And when other people see it, and they really finally get your amazing potential, it all feels worth it.
Yes, you take longer to finish anything than anyone else does. Yes, you use your energy more here than on self-care, time with loved ones, or other values. Yes, the voice in your head is so exacting it borders on… a little mean sometimes. But these are small prices to pay for excellence, right? So as long as you can take the time to strive for perfection, it’s all gravy!
Right?
The Bad
Wrong.
Because the flip side is also true — it feels decidedly bad to allow yourself any wiggle room when you’re feeling perfectionistic. It doesn’t even feel like “allowing,” it feels careless and against the grain, and… sometimes a little dangerous to stop when you’ve reached “good enough.”
Speaking of “good enough,” what even is that? Good enough is supposed to feel good, and nothing that’s not literal perfection actually feels good. It’s starting to feel like maybe nothing feels good because perfection is a target that is rarely (if ever) attained. And y’all, perfectionism is incredibly time-consuming. Have you ever revised a project over and over and over again, unable to move on until you feel like it’s just right? (I’m imagining those television scenes where the main character is the only one left in the office, messy cardboard boxes of Chinese takeout strewn about her desk, working solely by the light of her computer in a midnight-dark room. I just want to take her home and let her have a nap!)
Sometimes you’re not even producing anything and perfectionism is still taking up your time. That paralyzing stuck feeling is so common for perfectionists, and it’s so painful. Every project feels like a beautiful, hand-made leather journal. The idea of actually starting something, of making a decision, of taking action, feels like marring the first page with an ugly inkblot or misspelled word. “Let’s wait until we can do it perfectly,” you may be thinking. “I’m just not ready to actually get started yet.”
When it takes up that much of your time, perfectionism can start to feel like your top priority when in fact you’d rather prioritize so many other facets of your life. Time with your family, connections with friends, hobbies and passions, rest, all of it can start to take a backseat to the compulsion to achieve perfection.
If you’re here, I hope you’re starting to take a look at the ways in which perfectionism is impeding your life and considering breaking up with this particular coping strategy sometime soon.
The Ugly
Chances are, though, if you’re reading this, you may have started to see the truly ugly side of perfectionism — anxiety, panic, self-doubt, self-criticism, chronic indecision, endless procrastination. Perfectionism takes what can be a beautiful trait — your belief in your ability to produce something great! — and uses it as a weapon against your own well-being.
Perfectionism can become so painful that it’s hard to see it for what it is, making it even more challenging to treat. How do you know, then, if perfectionism is really something you’re dealing with? Is it anxiety instead, or maybe obsessive-compulsive disorder, or some kind of unpleasant combo deal of the three? Or do you just have high standards? Here's a list of common symptoms associated with perfectionism.
Symptoms of Perfectionism
Feeling intense pressure to achieve perfection in all areas of life. (Ok that’s a gimme but I had to include it.)
Setting excessively (unrealistically) high standards for yourself — you have to achieve the best, and you’re your own harshest critic.
Persistent fear of failure or of making mistakes — the idea of imperfection is literally keeping you up at night.
Engaging in all-or-nothing thinking, viewing outcomes as either perfect or complete failures — you feel like no success is real unless it’s flawless.
Procrastination due to fear of not meeting high standards — you’re constantly feeling stuck and putting things off because you don’t have time to do them perfectly.
Difficulty delegating tasks or trusting others to meet expectations — you prefer to do it yourself rather than asking for help.
Disregarding past successes and over-emphasizing current “weaknesses” — imperfection always eclipses any achievement.
Experiencing chronic stress or anxiety related to performance and achievement — even when things appear to be going well, your anxiety is through the roof when you start to think about not doing things “right.”
Excessive self-criticism and harsh self-judgment — if anyone heard your inner voice they’d be shocked.
Avoidance of new challenges or opportunities for fear of not being perfect — being bad at something new is NOT an option, so you keep yourself small and avoid trying things you may actually love.
Struggling with indecision or paralysis when faced with multiple options — you want to make changes that will benefit your life but, since imperfect action is not an option, you feel stuck all the time.
Overworking or obsessively striving for improvement at the expense of personal well-being — you’re the last one at the office every evening, and while you may be praised for your excellent work, the toll it’s taking on your body, your downtime, and your relationships is overwhelming.
Strained relationships due to unrealistic expectations of others — you struggle to allow “good enough” with team members, employees, etc., or your friends say you’re controlling.
Feeling dissatisfied or unfulfilled despite achieving success by external standards — even when others deem your product (your work, your body, your art, your family, your home) “perfect,” all you can see are the flaws.
Physical symptoms such as tension headaches, insomnia, gastrointestinal issues, or even menstrual irregularity related to stress — all the striving is making it harder and harder to take care of yourself.
Difficulty experiencing joy or satisfaction in accomplishments due to persistent focus on perceived flaws or shortcomings — so… what’s it all for?
This list is extensive — you may resonate with several items here or just a few. Some people may feel these symptoms constantly and at high intensity across work, body image, academics, family life, hobbies, etc., and some may notice perfectionism more in just one area or at times of higher stress. (Have you ever gotten more done when a crisis hits? That could be perfectionism.)
No matter how you experience it, however, what matters is that you deserve support if any symptoms like this are causing you distress or impacting your ability to live the life you want to live.
Therapy for Perfectionism Can Help
In dealing with perfectionism, I see this as a bad habit to break, or a toxic relationship to get out of. As much as it feels like a part of you, it’s not helping you. In most cases, it’s actively hurting you.
Does that mean the goal of this therapy for perfectionism is to take away your perfectionism at any cost? Absolutely not. In fact, I really don’t have that much power in any of my therapy sessions. Therapy is not about a therapist “fixing” you, or even changing you; it’s about you deciding what path you want to take going forward. I’m here to help you go where you want to go.
When you go to therapy to address perfectionism your perfectionism therapist will help you see this habit from all sides — where it’s helping you, where it’s hurting you, where it’s preventing you from living the life you want to live, where it’s making decisions for you and taking away your agency — and support you in deciding whether you’re ready for that “breakup” or not. And when you are ready, your therapist will be there to get you through it and to help you build the next “relationship” — the habit or mindset or coping strategy that puts you in the driver’s seat and sends your anxiety to sit in the back where it can’t control your trajectory.
Ready to Overcome Perfectionism With Therapy for Perfectionism in New Orleans, LA, and Online in Virginia?
Are you tired of the relentless pursuit of perfection holding you back? It's time to break free from the chains of perfectionism and reclaim control over your life. Take the courageous step towards self-discovery and growth by seeking therapy for perfectionism—unlock your true potential and embrace the beauty of imperfection with Rebecca AE Smith, Ph.D. Follow these three simple steps to get started:
Contact Rebcca AE Smith, PhD. to schedule an appointment to see if Therapy for Perfectionism is right for you
Begin meeting with a skilled perfectionism therapist, Rebecca AE Smith, Ph.D.
Start overcoming your perfectionism in healthy ways!
Other Services Offered With Rebecca AE Smith, Ph.D.
Are you a millennial struggling with anxiety, perfectionism, life transitions, and more? In addition to helping you overcome perfectionism with Rebecca AE Smith, Ph.D., I can help you work through your struggles or challenges to begin managing and coping with your symptoms in healthy ways with Therapy for Women. If you are looking for help to address your anxiety, I also offer Therapy for Anxiety. I provide online services for those in Louisiana and Virginia. For more about me check out my About Me page and Blog!