Is Your Perfectionism a Gold Star or a Perfect Streak? (Part II)
(Is that the most imperfect thumbnail or what, folks? I’m walking the walk, babes. You’re welcome.)
Ok babes — we’re back with part two of my “how many types of perfectionism can I name in five minutes” game. Head over here if you missed part one!
Your Perfectionism is Socially Prescribed
If your perfectionism is socially prescribed, that means it feels like the source of the perfectionistic criticism comes from other people. On your own, it feels easier to stay loose, to go with the flow, to allow the ups and downs to come as they may. When you’re being observed, though, it becomes a whole different story.
Socially prescribed perfectionism could be mostly a you-thing (I’m the problem, it’s me).
There are also times when it really is coming from someone else! It’s not always you. Sometimes you have a perfectionistic boss or friend or family member and it just feels like wowwww can we live? Could you not spill your perfectionism all over my work, please? (This is where boundaries are needed, people. Protect your peace.)
Socially prescribed perfectionism is also wildly prevalent in — you guessed it — white supremacy and the patriarchy. It’s (one version of) an answer to questions like, “why do I feel anxious going out in public without makeup?” Or concerns like, “I’m worried I’ll get pushback at work for my natural hairstyle.” If you’re in any marginalized group, feelings of socially prescribed perfectionism can make you feel like you have to be on your A++++ game at all times.
Is this 100% of the issue behind scourges like white supremacy and the patriarchy? Nope. But you can see how that hypercritical messaging wiggles its way into your psyche.
Your Perfectionism is Other-Oriented
This is a tricky one. It can be much easier to notice the ways in which we are perfectionistic about ourselves, but what about our perfectionistic expectations of those around us? Other-oriented perfectionism often accompanies self-oriented perfectionism. Your standards are high both inside and outside of yourself. It can feel like your own perfectionistic expectations just can’t be contained, especially when it comes to people you feel represent you — your partner, your kids, your employees. You may feel overly critical of how others are behaving and might be setting standards that are unrealistic. Another expression of this can be finding delegation almost impossible — you hold onto too much that should be on someone else’s plate, but you struggle to trust that their output will be as perfect as yours.
Other-oriented perfectionism can break down relationships, trap you in an overworking cycle, make you feel like the villain, and keep you feeling isolated. The worst part is that you may not want to be so critical of others, but the perfectionistic anxiety makes it too painful to interact with your friends or family without that critical lens.
The answer sometimes feels other-oriented as well, like “if they’d just try harder or be better I wouldn’t have to be so hard on them!” It feels like the discomfort comes from the other person, when in reality the perfectionism is the cause of the pain. That can be a hard fact to come to terms with, but there’s a silver lining — if you own the cause, you can own the solution as well.
Your Perfectionism Hits You at Work / Home / Relationship / Family / Friends / Appearance… etc.
You may notice ways in which you’re perfectionistic with your grad school research, but once you get home you’re safe! Right??
Maybe not. Perfectionism doesn’t like to sit still. It’s about process, not content, so it can easily jump from topic to topic. It’s up to you to keep up with it.
Check in with yourself — work or school perfectionism can be easier to identify, but can also show up in everything from your relationships to your appearance. If you feel that you’re not only striving for excellence but also weathering self-criticism, fear of failure, and feelings of unworthiness in these areas, perfectionism might be at play here too. Also watch out for overwork, my high-achievers— stop trying to Energizer bunny your way to perfect motherhood, friends.
Your Perfectionism is a F%*k!ng Snowflake. Ugh.
Fittingly, this is not a perfect list of types of perfectionism. (Hell, I made up some of these names! You won’t find “gold star” or “perfect streak” perfectionism in a research paper, but since these descriptors felt helpful for me, I included them. Gasp!!) It’s not comprehensive, and your mileage may vary. Perfectionism is nuanced and tailored to the individual. Your history, your values, your goals, your culture, your specific brain chemistry all comes into play.
The biggest takeaway, though, is universal — perfectionism is a maladaptive motivator. It may feel like your high standards are helping you, but more often they’re dragging you down. If the symptoms I list here sound like you, it’s time to break up with this particular coping strategy.
Tackle Perfectionism with the Help of Therapy for Anxiety in New Orleans, LA
If you’re feeling like you’re tallying those perfect streaks or never settling until you get a gold star, book a session with a therapist who specializes in helping high-achievers break up with perfectionism. Being high functioning doesn’t mean you don’t deserve help.
If anxious perfectionism is becoming overwhelming, reach out to Rebecca AE Smith, Ph.D. and get some relief without sacrificing your success.
Services Offered With Rebecca AE Smith, Ph.D.
Are you a high-achieving woman struggling with anxiety, perfectionism, life transitions, and more? Therapy with Rebecca AE Smith, Ph.D. can help you work through your struggles or challenges to begin managing and coping with your symptoms in healthy ways. So in addition to navigating whether you’re experiencing stress or anxiety in Therapy for Anxiety, I offer Therapy for Women for those who struggle with burnout, stress, work-life balance, navigating relationships, and more. I also provide Therapy for Perfectionism for those struggling to overcome their symptoms and stress of feeling perfect all the time. In my practice, I provide online services for those in Louisiana and Virginia. For more about me check out my About Me page, Blog, and YouTube channel.