Self-Compassion for High-Achieving Women, Part I: The Link Between Self-Criticism, Perfectionism, and Anxiety
As you may have gathered, I love working with high-achieving women who are healing from anxiety and perfectionism. I’ve clearly built basically my whole practice around being a therapist for people exactly like you. (Or at least who I assume you are if you clicked on this blog post!)
And if there’s one thing I know about this group, it’s that there’s very little doubt in my mind that they will get the job done — whatever the job is. But while they’re completing that task, I’m often less sure about whether the motivation style my patients are using is positive, generous, or self-compassionate.
Most of the time, it’s really not. The perfectionistic voice in their heads can be incredibly critical, and sometimes it’s downright mean. It’s a taskmaster, a drill sergeant, an exacting (and, let’s face it, borderline abusive) coach. But in the race to get things done and be the best version of yourself you can be, sometimes it feels like that’s what’s needed to get there. And when things don’t go according to plan, critical self-talk can sometimes even feel… normal. Justified, maybe. “Of course, I’m disappointed in this failure, this utterly imperfect product of my time and energy. My inner voice simply reflects that.”
Hmm. I think that’s something we can work on.
The Intersection of Perfectionism and Anxiety: Unveiling the Struggles of High-Achieving Women
Here’s a really key piece I want to make sure we all know — perfectionism is a function of anxiety. It’s not just a drive to be better or a benign function of a high-performing brain. It’s harsh and hurtful, and it doesn’t help you build the self you want to be.
When viewed in this way, it’s easier to see why self-compassion would be challenging in an anxious, perfectionistic environment. The fear of failure and dread of external criticism feed the panicked anxiety voice until she shouts, “WHY is this so awful?! Why can’t you do ANYTHING right? You HAVE to be BETTER!” (Or… other even meaner things. I’ve heard the whole gamut, trust me.)
Whewwww. It’s painful to think about, but it’s often the experience of women who are dealing with perfectionism and anxiety.
The Ineffectiveness of Critical Self-Talk in Managing Anxiety
And what’s even worse is that the critical voice is not effective. Truly, there is so much research on this. People who use negative self-talk to motivate themselves consistently underperform, whereas positive, compassionate self-talk leads to measurably better outcomes.
White-knuckling or berating your way through anxiety will make you more anxious. When I say it like that I think it seems very obvious. But when you’re in the middle of it, it feels like to get to the outside edge of that anxious moment, you have to do more and be better and be impressive and accomplish the goal. That “being better” will help you feel less anxious.
But, counterintuitively, that’s not how anxiety works. Anxiety is a feeling, not a state of being. Could it possibly have anything to do with the situation you’re in? Maybe, or it could be related to several different circumstances of your life right now. It could even have literally no external cause. As humans, we’re actually not great at determining the cause of our anxiety. You could have the exact same circumstances in your life/job/relationship/house/money and you might be anxious… or you might not be.
Nurturing Self-Compassion for High Achievement Without Anxiety
Here’s what I think, based on years of study and clinical practice — if you want to help the anxiety, and you want to continue to be the high-performing badass you are, you need to (1) stop imagining that changing the situation will change the anxiety (and yes, trying to do it “more perfectly” is trying to change the situation), and (2) do something directly to the feeling to help it calm down. And self-criticism isn’t getting you there.
Instead, we have to take care of ourselves in a very nurturing — even self-compassionate — way.
This is the good stuff, y’all! Self-compassion is like the secret sauce for high achievement without the pain of anxiety. If you’re interested, stick around next week for a little more on this topic, including more about how to be more self-compassionate when it doesn’t feel quite natural to you.
Start Finding Your Self-Compassion With Therapy For Anxiety in New Orleans, LA!
Are you a high-achieving woman feeling overwhelmed by anxiety and self-criticism? Take the first step towards a more compassionate and fulfilling life by seeking therapy for anxiety tailored to your needs. Embrace self-compassion as your secret weapon for high achievement without the pain of anxiety. Start your journey to inner peace and success with Rebecca AE Smith. Follow these three simple steps to get started:
Begin meeting with skilled anxiety therapist, Rebecca AE Smith, Ph.D.
Start speaking with self-compassion and navigating your anxiety!
Other Services Offered With Rebecca AE Smith, Ph.D.
Are you a millennial struggling with anxiety, perfectionism, life transitions, and more? With Rebecca AE Smith, Ph.D., I can help you work through your struggles or challenges to begin managing and coping with your symptoms in healthy ways. So in addition to helping you in Therapy for Anxiety, I also provide Therapy for Women for those who struggle with burnout, stress, work-life balance, navigating relationships, and more! As well as Therapy for Perfectionism for those struggling to overcome their symptoms and stress of feeling perfect all the time. At my practice, I provide online services for those in Louisiana and Virginia. For more about me check out my About Me page and Blog!