Self-Compassion for High-Achieving Women, Part II: A Tool for Overcoming Perfectionism and Anxiety
Now that we know why self-criticism isn’t helping our performance (and is cleeeeearly not putting even a dent in our anxiety), we need to build a new strategy. Helpfully, the cure is quite simple — self-compassion.
For those of you who feel like this is too simple an answer, I invite you to start by imagining self-compassion as merely being the lack of self-criticism. In this scenario we’re not ready to add the bells and whistles, we’re simply not being harsh over here. Just say no, friends.
Let’s say we do want to add at least a few bells and whistles, though. In that case, what does self-compassion look like?
For some people, self-compassion looks like self-care. For others, it may look like self-forgiveness or self-trust. This doesn’t look like trusting that you’re making decisions perfect decisions. Instead, you’re trusting that YOU are the decider, that you are capable, and that you have your own best interests at heart.
But as an anxiety therapist, I think the easiest way to get there is through positive self-talk.
Transforming Self-Talk: Cultivating Compassion and Awareness
Self-talk refers to the internal dialogue or narrative that individuals engage in within their own minds. It encompasses the thoughts, beliefs, and interpretations people have about themselves, others, and the world around them. It can be positive (“You’re doing great!”), negative (“You literally can’t do a damn thing right, can you?!”), or neutral (“you cooked this dinner”). This ongoing conversation with oneself can be both conscious and subconscious, and it greatly influences emotions, perceptions, and even behaviors.
Given how diverse self-talk can be, we need to start by asking — what does your particular self-talk really look like?
Taking time to examine your self-talk involves genuinely examining your inner dialogue. Firstly, it requires creating a space for self-reflection, whether through journaling, meditation, or simply quiet contemplation. In this space, observe the thoughts that arise during moments of stress, self-doubt, or challenge. Pay attention to the tone and content of these thoughts—are they self-critical, judgmental, or compassionate and supportive?
(Sometimes I hesitate to encourage journalling because many people want to believe they can just think these problems out, but taking the time to actually write it is honestly incredibly valuable. It’ll help you get you out of your head, it’ll help the thoughts get less tangled up, and it’ll help you come to more genuine conclusions more quickly. I very much encourage it!)
When you notice self-talk that is critical, harsh, or downright mean, I don’t need you to even consider the validity of the thoughts. The truth is, we can find evidence for most things, and we’re particularly good at building a case against self-compassion.
Overcoming Negative Self-Talk for Inner Growth
Do I want you to feel all lovey and nice to yourself? I really do! I think that would be awesome. That is my absolute goal. But the funny thing is, even if that feels hard, feeling lovey towards yourself is actually not a prerequisite for this. That intention is not required. (Really — even in studies where the psychologists just gave people compassionate vs. critical scripts to read to themselves verbatim, the compassionate groups still performed better!)
Instead of getting into an endless internal argument, I want you to red-flag these thoughts as simply unhelpful or unworkable. We don’t care whether they’re true. What we care about is that the tools we’re using — in this case, our thoughts about ourselves — are tools that are helping us get where we need to go.
After gaining awareness about your negative self-talk, actively work to replace it with self-compassionate positive self-talk. Though it may feel false at first, you’re actively cultivating a mindset of kindness and understanding towards yourself, and that’s a pretty powerful tool to have on your side.
The Power of Kindness in High Achievement
Fellow high-performing friends, if you’re like most of the women I see, your anxiety is holding on because you want to do so well. And that’s great! But in thinking of that beautiful striving self in there, I can’t help but consider what a little bit of reassurance would give her. Can you imagine?! That perfectionistic, anxious self just wants to do a damn good job… and what if we told her she did? What if we allowed warmth into the conversation with that part of ourselves? Not only would it feel pretty great, but I truly believe you’d be more effective for it. Encouragement is extremely motivating. Threats are genuinely less so.
Be kind to yourselves y’all, even if it’s only you who’s listening.
Overcome Your Perfectionism and Anxiety With Therapy for Anxiety in New Orleans, LA
Ready to break free from the grip of anxiety and perfectionism? Take the first step towards a more compassionate and fulfilling life by seeking therapy for anxiety tailored to your needs. Embrace the power of kindness and encouragement in your journey to overcoming anxiety and achieving your goals with Rebecca AE Smith. Start your path to inner peace and success by following these three simple steps:
Begin meeting with skilled anxiety therapist, Rebecca AE Smith, Ph.D.
Start using positive self-talk to help with your perfectionistic anxious self!
Other Services Offered With Rebecca AE Smith, Ph.D.
Are you a millennial struggling with anxiety, perfectionism, life transitions, and more? With Rebecca AE Smith, Ph.D., I can help you work through your struggles or challenges to begin managing and coping with your symptoms in healthy ways. So in addition to helping you promote positive self-talk in Therapy for Anxiety, I also provide Therapy for Women for those who struggle with burnout, stress, work-life balance, navigating relationships, and more! As well as Therapy for Perfectionism for those struggling to overcome their symptoms and stress of feeling perfect all the time. At my practice, I provide online services for those in Louisiana and Virginia. For more about me check out my About Me page and Blog!