When You’re the Only One Trying: How Therapy for Women Can Help You With Managing Relationships Alone
My dears, this is a big one. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve started an intake session and the patient said “Well I don’t really know why I’m the one here… really it’s my (boyfriend/mom/sister/wife/boss) who needs therapy, but I can’t get them to go so I guess… here I am.”
So what do you do when it feels like this individual session should actually be for you and your partner as a couple? Or how do you navigate therapy when your main focus is someone else’s emotional life? While it might seem counterintuitive, therapy for women that’s just for you might actually be incredibly helpful in these situations. Let’s dive into the specifics!
You’re Always the One Making an Effort: Understanding Over-Functioning in Relationships
Here’s a tricky bit — are you, my high-achieving friend, also kind of over-functioning in this relationship? When you think about the dynamic at play, are you taking only your fair share of the work here (housework, emotional load, planning, caretaking, etc.), or is it your tendency to take on too much while your partner/friend/roommate is kinda coasting? This over-functioning position is an extremely common role for women, and of course for high-achieving women in particular. We are the ones who naturally gravitate toward a position that highlights our desire to excel and allows us to be the ones who ensure everything is running smoothly.
If you’re not sure that this is one of the issues at play, I want you to ask yourself — are you often prioritizing the other person’s needs over your own? Do you frequently take on tasks that aren’t your responsibility? Do you feel drained by the effort you’re putting in? Do you sometimes feel called to rescue the other person from negative feelings about a task by completing the task yourself? If so, you may be experiencing a bit of a loop. First, perfectionism, anxiety, over-functioning, people-pleasing, etc. encourages you to continue to play this role. Second, this role exacerbates those exact issues as you strive to meet higher standards (ahem, functioning for two people) while suppressing your own needs and emotions. Furthermore, the desire to excel and meet unrealistic standards can lead to assuming responsibility for the entire relationship dynamic, which burdens you and can leave the other person feeling incapable, maybe infantilized, and sometimes even unwanted.
Over-functioning in Relationships and Prioritizing Self-Care
You may also believe that if you just try harder, and do more, you can fix the issue in this relationship. Sounds reasonable, right? Your partner/parent/coworker is struggling, and you know you — the capable one! — are totally able to just put in a bit more effort to solve the problem. Unfortunately, however, you may already be noticing that your continuing to over-function only perpetuates the imbalance here. By working harder, you are likely putting yourself even further away from addressing the underlying cause of the distress in this relationship. At worst, you may even be miring yourself further in the problem.
In this case, utilize therapy for women to address over-functioning from your perspective, not to address the issues of the under-functioning party. You deserve support here, and learning to prioritize yourself will actually benefit the relationship as a whole.
The Myth of Fixing Others: Redirecting Your Focus Towards Yourself
Some people who come into therapy to address someone else’s issues are already here — they’re truly seeking help for themselves. “I just need some support in focusing on myself and what I need,” they explain. But that can be a pretty hard place to get to when it feels like changing the other person’s behavior is really the only key to feeling ok yourself. If your husband/girlfriend/brother sought therapy would the relationship problem disappear? MAYBE! But if you’re the only one in the (virtual) therapy room, you’re the only one who can make a change.
Annoying, yes, but also (I hope) empowering. By letting go of the outward focus (“How do I change his behavior?”) and redirecting your focus inward, you can gain clarity on your needs, your boundaries, and your behavior patterns that are or are not working for you.
When you begin using therapy to focus on yourself, you will often notice big changes in your relationship as well. The ripple effects are real, and if you’re in the over-functioning, codependent place I discussed above, those ripple effects can actually create a tsunami of change for your life and the relationships you hold dear. (And if you focus on yourself instead of one specific other person, you, Ms. Common Denominator, can actually have a great impact on all of your relationships. Win-win-win-win-win.)
“It’s Not That Bad For Me!” Navigating Therapy When it Feels Like Someone Else Should Be There
What if there’s more at play than just issues within the relationship dynamic? Would it be helpful if your depressed son/anxious wife/friend with OCD / grieving coworker/roommate with a substance issue went to therapy? YES. Of course, it would. And I hope they do eventually seek their own treatment. But it’s also essential to remember that your experience is valid, and you deserve support regardless of your place within the situation.
Whether you are the “identified patient” in the situation or not, you are directly impacted by the lives of those around you. In these situations, therapy is not about assigning blame or staying stuck in a situation just because the other person will not seek therapy — it’s about empowering you to create positive change in your life by focusing your agency on your own needs.
Embracing Therapy For Women
Navigating relationships in a solo therapy session can feel super weird and also entirely necessary (after all, our connections to other people are often the most emotionally laden material of our lives!). Know that your therapist is totally here for it! But we’ll probably redirect you more towards your own experience and away from helping you figure out how to “fix” another person. Let it be what it is — a protected hour, every week, for you to get what you need, even if focusing on you isn’t always easy. Lean into it. Your therapist has your back.
Find Help Managing Your Relationships With The Help of Therapy for Women in New Orleans, LA!
Take the first step towards empowered relationships by seeking therapy for women's needs. With Rebecca AE Smith Ph.D., we'll navigate the complexities of your connections with others, providing a safe space to explore and grow. Embrace the support you deserve and embark on a journey towards fulfilling and balanced relationships. Follow these three simple steps to get started:
Begin meeting with a skilled therapist for women, Rebecca AE Smith, Ph.D.
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Other Services Offered With Rebecca AE Smith, Ph.D.
Are you a millennial struggling with anxiety, perfectionism, life transitions, and more? In addition to helping you manage your relationships in healthy ways with Rebecca AE Smith, Ph.D., I can help you work through your struggles or challenges to begin managing and coping with your symptoms in healthy ways with Therapy for Women. I also provide Therapy for Perfectionism for those struggling to help you address your perfectionism symptoms. I provide online services for those in the state of Louisiana and Virginia. For more about me check out my About Me page and Blog!