Anxiety and Relationships: Communicating Your Needs to Your Partner
My high-achieving friend, I know you’re a rockstar. I know you can do it all, and you’ve got it handled, and you’re the best woman for the job. You are!
But… have you told your partner about your anxiety?
For some of you that may be a resounding “YES, of course, my partner is my go-to for venting my anxious thoughts!” But my guess is that, for a majority of you, you’re used to being the one who gets things done. And that might mean not communicating your needs — particularly the needs you really wish you didn’t have — or talking about your “weaknesses.”
Even if you don’t feel like your partner can help, as an anxiety therapist, I highly recommend cluing them in on your inner world — even the messy anxious parts.
Your Anxiety Isn’t YOU… But It Still Matters
One thing I work on often with my patients is the idea that anxiety isn’t YOU. Your anxiety and your self are two very different things. The anxious thoughts are a part of you in the same way that a tumor might be made from your cells, but that doesn’t mean we want it to stick around.
Given that, you might ask, “then why do I need to let my partner know about it?” Anxiety isn’t your identity, and I hope it’s a relatively small factor in shaping your life. Still, however, it’s an important facet of how you interact with the world. When your partner knows more about how your brain works, they simply know you better.
Vulnerability is Good for Your Relationship
On the other side of this coin, if you’re hiding your anxiety, chances are it’s driving a wedge between you and your partner (or will as time goes on).
There’s a simple equation for closeness in all relationships: increased vulnerability = increased intimacy; decreased vulnerability = decreased intimacy. It’s really that simple.
It may feel gross to discuss or reveal things that make you feel not so great about yourself, but keeping that armor on rather than allowing vulnerability into your relationship may be keeping your partner at arms length (at least a little bit). And no, you can’t just rely on their vulnerability to support the intimacy, even though it does feel GREAT to be the impressive one / the helper / the fixer / the boss. Your vulnerability needs to be a part of it too. Show them your squishy bits and you’ll feel closer. Metaphorically. (And I mean physically too, sure, that’s the OG vulnerability and intimacy equation 🙃)
Getting the Support You Need (Not the Enabling You Don’t)
That being said, there are certainly ways in which recruiting your partner as a helper in your anxiety becomes unhelpful. One major example is enabling, and I see it most often when anxiety is coupled with OCD. This would be when your partner helps you avoid your fears rather than supports you in facing them or managing them yourself. (An example — if I’m working on a contamination anxiety with my therapist, it would be unhelpful to ask my partner to be the only one to take out the trash because avoidance of the task is much more likely to increase my anxiety about it.)
Your goal is for your partner to support you in truly overcoming your anxiety, not for your partner to bubble wrap you from the world / rescue you from everyday experiences because of your anxiety.
Let’s Do This Thing
If this feels like a pretty big hill to climb, how might you even start? It really can be as simple as a discussion, but I think there are a few things to consider if you’re feeling stuck.
First, if this is feeling tough for you, you’re more likely to feel safer initiating this conversation at a low-anxiety time rather than at the height of a worry spiral. I know you don’t want to because you’d rather protect those moments of low anxiety and bringing it up feels anxious (!!), but you’ll feel more in control.
Second, know that there is a chronology to anxiety that we can use to our advantage. The focus of anxiety is always in the future — we can’t be anxious about things that have already happened. We can be anxious that they’ll happen again, or we can feel guilt or regret about the past, but we can’t be anxious about the past. It just doesn’t work that way.
If you’re filled with anxious dread about this talk, remember: action kills the fear. You can only be anxious about it because it hasn’t happened yet. And I’m 99% sure that the anxiety about it feels worse than the reality. This is your partner — they love you, you love them, and you know they have your back.
Manage Anxious Thoughts with the Help of Therapy for Anxiety in New Orleans, LA
If you feel like anxiety is ruling your life or driving your actions, book a session with an anxiety therapist who specializes in working with high-achievers. Being high functioning doesn’t mean you don’t deserve help.
If anxiety is becoming overwhelming, reach out to Rebecca AE Smith, Ph.D. and get some relief without sacrificing your success.
Services Offered With Rebecca AE Smith, Ph.D.
Are you a high-achieving woman struggling with anxiety, perfectionism, life transitions, and more? Therapy with Rebecca AE Smith, Ph.D. can help you work through your struggles or challenges to begin managing and coping with your symptoms in healthy ways. So in addition to navigating whether you’re experiencing stress or anxiety in Therapy for Anxiety, I offer Therapy for Women for those who struggle with burnout, stress, work-life balance, navigating relationships, and more. I also provide Therapy for Perfectionism for those struggling to overcome their symptoms and stress of feeling perfect all the time. In my practice, I provide online services for those in Louisiana and Virginia. For more about me check out my About Me page, Blog, and YouTube channel.