Embracing Imperfection: Being Brave Enough to be Bad at Something New
I was chatting recently with a friend about playing the guitar, which is a new hobby of mine. I played a bit in high school and have picked it back up in the past couple of months, and after practicing a little bit every day I can painstakingly trudge through a few songs. “It’s fun,” I told her, “because I can’t do anything else while I’m practicing — can’t watch anything, can’t be on my phone. I’m totally in it, and it just feels like play.” (Yes, I’m nerding out over mindfulness here.) Now, please do realize no one wants to hear my playing — it’s not great. I can hear every botched chord, every bad strum, every sloppy transition, and that doesn’t even get to how awkward it is to try to play and sing at the same time. But I still like it!
When I asked if she wanted to give it a go she replied that she always had a hard time trying new things because she didn’t like the feeling of not being good at something. “I always just give up when I get that feeling,” she said, “and later I wish I hadn’t, because by now I’d be good at those things.”
Whether it’s something as casual as a new hobby or as high stakes as a career move, imperfection is often something that is wildly uncomfortable, particularly for individuals who experience anxiety. And let’s be honest if you’re trying something new with the goal of it being enjoyable, wading through feelings of self-doubt and discomfort when you’re terrible at it feels a bit counterproductive. But in the right circumstances, I think it’s vital to allow yourself to be truly bad at something, both because you won’t be a beginner forever, but also because you don’t owe the world a perfect version of yourself. Here’s what I mean.
Skill vs. Anxiety: Which One Is Actually Driving?
In a vacuum, I don’t actually think a lack of skill is all that threatening. Right? We’re rational people — we know we usually aren’t magically awesome at a completely novel task. As with most things, it’s the discrepancy between the ideal and the real that is causing our discomfort. For most high-achieving people that discrepancy can be bigger (read: more painful) than for most of the population because our ideal selves are achieving pretty lofty goals. Anxiety about that discrepancy, then, becomes the true driver of the action here. Add in perfectionism (“well I need to be flawless at anything I try”) or imposter syndrome (“if I try something and am not good at it that will just be further proof I don’t deserve to be where I am”) and you’ve got yourself a seriously long list of reasons to never be a novice. Breaking free from this trap requires a radical mindset shift away from comfort and towards your goals.
Short-Term Comfort vs. Long-Term Reward: What’s Worth It?
As with most decisions, I think we’re also talking about whether we’re deciding to prioritize the short-term comfort or the long-term reward. There genuinely isn’t a consistently correct answer here — there are times when it’s vital to choose the short-term comfort (you’re having a hard time, you don’t have a worthy goal in mind, you need to self-soothe) as well as times when the long term reward is totally worth the current discomfort. The key here is using your values to determine whether the goal is the right one to go for.
Fear of Failure vs. Bravely Bad: Choose Your Path
Once you’ve decided it is worth it to try, remember that the fear of failure is actually totally appropriate. Of course, it’s scary! As weird as it sounds, the fact that it’s scary isn’t actually meaningful. The fear doesn’t have any impact on the real world and doesn’t signal doom for the project — it’s just present, being annoying and uncomfortable. Know that allowing yourself to be simply awful when you first start out is a gorgeous act of courage, and lean into bravery. It looks good on you.
Cultivating a Growth Mindset to Embracing and Overcoming Perfectionism
Not to get too therapist-y on you, but I want you to take a look at whether you always prioritize the destination over the journey, as is, quite frankly, often the case for high-achieving people. And for good reason — we’re over here building these goals, and we want to meet them! But stretching a little bit in order to view failure as a natural part of the growth process will give you both the grace to be gentle with yourself AND the edge you need to keep achieving your goals. Win-win, right?
I’m not sure guitar is something my friend will want to try again, not because she’s not super skilled but because it might not be a value of hers to continue it. And that’s ok. The flip side of this coin is that just because something is more challenging doesn’t make it more worthy. For a place to start, though, I think you should go value-driven, fun, and super low stakes — pick up a hobby to be terrible at and practice being bad. Bake a cake no one wants to eat. Paint a picture you’d never hang. Sign up for a race you will most certainly lose. Get comfy with being bad, my friends, and you’ll unlock a new level of bravery when it comes to your big goals, allowing you to build the kick-ass self you know you can become.
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Are you a millennial struggling with anxiety, perfectionism, imposter syndrome, life transitions, and more? With the help of Rebecca AE Smith, Ph.D., I can help you work through your struggles or challenges to begin coping with your symptoms in healthy ways in Therapy for Women. I also provide Therapy for Perfectionism for those struggling to overcome their symptoms. My services are offered online for those in the state of Louisiana and in Virginia. For more information, check out my About Me and Blog!