Perfectionism + Anxiety = Burnout, Part I: Fixing the Problem and Feeling Better are Two Separate Things
As an anxiety therapist, there are some weeks in my job where I feel like something is just in the air. Like everyone I see is feeling the same vibe. Maybe it’s because of something external — a trend goes viral on TikTok, or an event in the news is grabbing everyone’s attention. But so much of the time it feels more like it’s just this wavelength we’re all kind of connecting to at the moment, like a subconscious thrum we all hear.
Fixing the Problem Vs. Feeling Better
This week that vibe has been the idea that fixing the problem and feeling better are two completely separate things. For example, when an argument with a friend spikes your social anxiety, it feels like you won’t be able to feel better until the two of you have made up. Will resolving the issue assuage your anxiety? Maybe! But another route is to use self-care to address the social anxiety — it is actually a separate issue, after all — and approach the reconciliation with a calmer nervous system. (This can actually lead to a more genuine friendship resolution, too, if you’re not simply apologizing in order to make yourself feel better.)
Perfectionism and Its Challenges
This concept gets taken to a totally new level when perfectionism is involved because for a perfectionist, the “problem” is rarely really fixed. People dealing with perfectionism can easily get stuck on thoughts that won’t allow for self-care until perfection has been reached, which is not a realistic situation to put yourself into.
Stuck thoughts could look like:
I will be able to slow down once this project is finished… to my standards.
I don’t think I’ll feel better until I know I have all A’s this semester.
If people would just do it correctly the first time I wouldn’t be so stressed.
Rest can wait — I have to get this done first.
I’m so tired. I’ll probably feel better once I get more done.
No, Brad, I can’t delegate this. I’m the only one who can do it well enough. (g*dd*mnit Brad just leave me alone I’m WAY too busy for this work-life balance chit-chat crap)
I shouldn’t need help. I should be able to do it myself.
I really can’t afford to take a break right now.
It’s ok, I actually really like being the go-to person for everything.
I know there are times when these thoughts sound like me, and if you’re a high-achiever who feels like perfectionism is fueling your success, my guess is that more than one resonates with you too.
Perfectionism really does trick you into thinking the poison is the cure, doesn’t it? At its best, it whispers, “I know it feels so stressful. You know you’ll feel better once it’s perfect. You can do it! Just keep going.” (At its worst it’s pretty rude, but I bet you already knew that.)
The Risk Of Burnout
But if this keeps up, burnout is the following act. Burnout isn’t just feeling tired — it’s a very real consequence of excessive and prolonged stress characterized by emotional, physical, and mental exhaustion. If a stressful work environment is keeping you overloaded it’s hard to manage. If it’s you — particularly, your perfectionism — that’s trapping you with an excessive workload and unrealistic expectations, it’s an even harder trap to break free of.
Even worse, the emotional exhaustion of burnout also comes with feelings of reduced personal accomplishment — i.e., once you get to a certain point of burnout, you feel worse about your achievements and begin to seriously doubt your competence and abilities. Perfection never felt so far off.
So how do you make yourself feel better when the problem isn’t fixed? The answer is weirdly simple: recognize that the emotion is in your body and take steps to address it right where it lives — in your body. This is a fundamental principle often emphasized in therapy for anxiety. Next week’s essay tackles exactly that! See you there.
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If you're struggling with anxiety and feel trapped by perfectionism, it's time to take the first step toward healing with therapy for anxiety. Reach out to licensed anxiety therapist, Rebecca AE Smith Ph.D., who can provide you with the tools and support you need to manage your stress and improve your well-being. Don't wait—your journey to a calmer, healthier you can begin soon. Follow these three simple steps to get started:
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Other Services Offered With Rebecca AE Smith, Ph.D.
Are you a millennial struggling with anxiety, perfectionism, life transitions, and more? With Rebecca AE Smith, Ph.D., I can help you work through your struggles or challenges to begin managing and coping with your symptoms in healthy ways. So in addition to helping you overcome perfectionism and anxiety in Therapy for Anxiety, I offer Therapy for Women for those who struggle with burnout, stress, work-life balance, navigating relationships, and more! I also provide Therapy for Perfectionism for those struggling to overcome their symptoms and stress of feeling perfect all the time. At my practice, I provide online services for those in Louisiana and Virginia. For more about me check out my About Me page and Blog!