Perfectionism + Anxiety = Burnout, Part II: You Should Feel Better Before You Fix the Problem
Last week’s essay was on one of my favorite topics — the idea that fixing the problem and feeling better are two totally separate things. If we feel like we need to fix the problem in order to feel better, we get pretty stuck when the problem is out of our hands. And the problem is usually out of our hands when perfectionism is involved. Seriously though, how MEAN of perfectionism to tell you you’re not allowed to feel ok until you reach perfection!
But if the problem isn’t fixed how do you feel better, you may ask?
Excellent question. Instead of working on the problem, I invite you to explore what self-care would look like if it took place before the problem was fixed. It’s actually a sneaky little work-around — you don’t even have to tell that perfectionist in your brain that she’s wrong, or to give up the perfectionistic fight! You’re just lulling her into submission by saying, “No no, it’s cool, we’ll be perfect soon, I promise! First I’m going to take care of myself, then I’ll get right on that problem. Don’t you worry.” Wonderfully, because perfectionism is a function of anxiety, it often calms itself down when you focus on feeling ok rather than fixing the problem. Therapy for anxiety can provide additional support and strategies to help you manage these symptoms and feel better.
Solving the “Feeling Better” Part
Let’s take last week’s stuck thoughts and solve the “feeling better” part before the problem is fixed:
I will be able to slow down once this project is finished… to my standards.
Girl, SLOW DOWN! Your body is begging for a break. You can take it now and put out amazing work once you feel rested, or you can court burnout even further, maybe get a decent result, and feel worse than when you started.
I don’t think I’ll feel better until I know I have all A’s this semester.
That may be a long time to wait, friend. One cannot survive on a 4.0 alone. Trust yourself — you did the work! Take care of your body all semester and you’ll be much better off once finals roll around.
If people would just do it correctly the first time I wouldn’t be so stressed.
Omg, I should write a whole blog post about this one. Your stress is your issue, not your team’s problem. Take a break, allow yourself to rest or have fun or find joy or whatever you need, and know that if someone can do it even 75% as well as you can, you need to delegate it. You’ll build a better team if you let them own their work, and you’ll get to be the rested boss you deserve to be.
Rest can wait — I have to get this done first.
This is a freebie, right? Rest! You’re running yourself into the ground. Check off that to-do list item tomorrow. Trust me, it’s not going anywhere.
I’m so tired. I’ll probably feel better once I get more done.
Ummmmm this is just… nonsensical. I know you see that. Yes, you’ll feed your insatiable hunger for productivity if you get more done… but you’ll still be tired. Take a nap, babe. I know it’s annoying, but you’ve only got one body and you have to take care of her.
No, Brad, I can’t delegate this. I’m the only one who can do it well enough. (g*dd*mnit Brad just leave me alone I’m WAY too busy for this work-life balance chit-chat crap)
Brad is undeniably obnoxious, but… I mean this time he may have a point. Delegate delegate delegate. This is way below your pay grade.
I shouldn’t need help. I should be able to do it myself.
Oh sweets, I know it feels like that. And maybe after some self-care, you could do it yourself — you’re pretty amazing, after all. But I hope you can let go of the “should” and realize that asking for help can you reach even more incredible goals. Give it a try.
I really can’t afford to take a break right now.
I feel this one in my bones. As a small business owner and a mom, the go-go-go instinct is strong. Know that some of the balls you are juggling will fall, and that’s ok. The trick is knowing which balls are rubber and which are glass. Take the break, and let the rubber balls crash down — let the house remain a mess, let the kids eat dino nuggets, and let that Brad dude take some of the work. YOU are glass — don’t let yourself fall.
It’s ok, I actually really like being the go-to person for everything.
Of course, you do! But this one is screaming for someone else to take on a task. Rest, friend, and maybe bring up the question “What happens if I’m not the go-to person” in therapy next week. (When I did exactly that, my brain basically melted. It was exactly what I needed to explore.)
Make a List to Help You Feel Better
Let’s make it even simpler — if you’d like a little list (I mean who wouldn’t), as an anxiety therapist I have three steps for you to leave that fixer self behind and get you feeling better:
First, separate the problem and your feelings. This is exactly what these essays have highlighted — yes, the project is stressful, but your stress can be addressed separately. Identify it, feel it in your body, and ask it what it needs.
Second, give yourself permission to feel better. This is NOT a step you can skip!! I want you to put actual time and energy toward feeling better / self-care. If you’re not 100% on board — if you haven’t given yourself that permission — you’re not going to take it seriously enough.
Third, my dears, simply take care of yourself. Really do it. Start with your body. Take up time, take up energy, use money if you can / need to, and TAKE UP SOME SPACE. Treat your mind and your body like something that needs your care, because she does. Find ways to take care of yourself like you deserve it.
I know it sounds simplistic, but I hope you give it a try. Tell your perfectionism you have better things to worry about than those tasks and you don’t have to be perfect. And bring it up in therapy! Your shrink will love helping you with this.
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If you're struggling with anxiety and perfectionism, it's time to take a step toward a more peaceful life. Therapy for anxiety can provide the tools and support you need to overcome these challenges and embrace a healthier, happier you. Reach out to Rebecca AE Smith, Ph.D. and start your journey to a more balanced and fulfilling life. Follow these three simple steps to get started:
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Other Services Offered With Rebecca AE Smith, Ph.D.
Are you a millennial struggling with anxiety, perfectionism, life transitions, and more? With Rebecca AE Smith, Ph.D., I can help you work through your struggles or challenges to begin managing and coping with your symptoms in healthy ways. So in addition to helping you feel better before solving your perfectionism and anxiety in Therapy for Anxiety, I offer Therapy for Women for those who struggle with burnout, stress, work-life balance, navigating relationships, and more! I also provide Therapy for Perfectionism for those struggling to overcome their symptoms and stress of feeling perfect all the time. At my practice, I provide online services for those in Louisiana and Virginia. For more about me check out my About Me page and Blog!