The Anxiety Of Saying No: Why “No” Gets You Further Than “Yes” Ever Will, Part I
Hello, my high-performing, overachieving friend. Brace yourself, because today I’m just going to put it out there — the reason that you need to say “no” is because saying “yes” is holding you back.
Oof. I know. As a recovering people pleaser / do-it-all girlie / helpful eldest daughter, I’ve always felt I had a huge capacity for YES. Yes, I can help! Yes, I can totally get that done. Yes, simple, just add that to my list too.
But lately, I’ve been thinking about this advice I recently received: If it’s not a hell yes, it has to be a hell no.
Why Are You Saying Yes?
It seems a little bit harsh, I know. And that might feel like a particularly bad fit for you because you have such a fast-running motor. You can do SO much. You already do so much, right?! And I know you’re probably quite capable of keeping that up. (I felt like I could too.) The problem arises when you ask yourself why. Why are you saying yes? Are all of your precious yeses — and therefore your precious time, energy, attention, and resources — spent on tasks that feel deeply aligned with your values and goals?
My guess, if you clicked on a blog post with this title, is that your answer is probably not.
If you’re like most of my patients in therapy for anxiety, you’re already loading your own plate up with a variety of tasks, goals, and ideas — a ton of yeses! — that is helping you build the life you want. Maybe a few of those could be put down, sure, but I trust that for the most part, you’re at least working on being mindful about how you choose to spend your free time.
But when the request comes from an external source, it can become much harder to say no.
When “No” Spikes Your Anxiety
And here’s where we get to the other side of that why coin — Why aren’t you saying no? For so many of us, the answer is, at least in part, anxiety. And while this can present in a myriad of different ways, there are two that hit high-achieving women hardest.
Saying “No” Means Disappointing People
One main source is the idea that the very idea of saying no creates anxiety. The core thought here can be that setting the boundary means disappointing people. In these cases, saying no really feels like it is not allowed, or that if you say no you’re not being a team player / not being kind / not being generous. Oof.
Another version of this is the simple fact that if you can do something then you should. Or that if you’re good at something, you should do it — particularly if you like doing it, or if other people praise you for doing it. (That one always hits home for me.)
In the cases where the idea of saying no causes anxiety, you may find yourself saying yes just to quiet the anxious thoughts. Think about that — we’re just saying yes to soothe ourselves because just freaking doing the thing is going to create less internal hassle than having to stand up for yourself or potentially disappoint someone. The extra self-soothing around the discomfort of saying no feels like it’s just not worth it. It somehow becomes more worth it to say yes and do everything. (Is this sounding unsustainable to anyone else?)
Protecting Ourselves With Yeses
As if that weren’t enough, there are other ways anxiety encourages you to say yes when you should say no. This second space pops up when we’re trying to protect ourselves with the yeses. This looks like, “I just feel better when I have a lot to do,” or if we’re actually being honest “I feel better when it’s not quiet in my head… if I say no it will be quieter, and then I’ll have to think my thoughts. I don’t like my thoughts; my thoughts are anxious. So let’s just keep sprinting, let’s keep the ball rolling so I have other things to think about and focus on rather than being in my head.” I get it, sure, but you can already see how that becomes unsustainable over time.
Get Comfortable Saying “No”
Working on getting comfortable with “no” is a long process. It’s an issue that’s caused by a huge amount of different factors and is honestly just as nuanced as every single person who is dealing with it. Before we get to next week’s follow-up — a how-to guide about building comfort with “no” — take some time to process your own hesitation here and how anxiety might be a factor. If you’re in Louisiana or Virginia and would like to do just that as a therapy patient in my practice, get started by clicking here to schedule an appointment.
Find Comfort in Saying No With The Help of Therapy for Anxiety in New Orleans, LA
It's time to prioritize your well-being and find the peace you deserve. Therapy for anxiety can provide you with the tools and support to confidently set boundaries and manage anxiety, allowing you to thrive both personally and professionally. Reach out to Rebecca AE Smith and take the first step towards a healthier, more balanced life where saying "no" feels empowering. Follow these three simple steps to get started:
Begin meeting with skilled anxiety therapist, Rebecca AE Smith, Ph.D.
Start saying “no” without anxiety!
Other Services Offered With Rebecca AE Smith, Ph.D.
Are you a millennial struggling with anxiety, perfectionism, life transitions, and more? With Rebecca AE Smith, Ph.D., I can help you work through your struggles or challenges to begin managing and coping with your symptoms in healthy ways. So in addition to helping you embrace saying “no” in Therapy for Anxiety, I offer Therapy for Women for those who struggle with burnout, stress, work-life balance, navigating relationships, and more! I also provide Therapy for Perfectionism for those struggling to overcome their symptoms and stress of feeling perfect all the time. At my practice, I provide online services for those in Louisiana and Virginia. For more about me check out my About Me page and Blog!