The Anxiety of Saying No: Why “No” Gets You Further Than “Yes” Ever Will, Part II
If you tuned in last week you already know my whole spiel about why you need far more “no” and way less “yes” in your life. (Among other things, it basically boiled down to “Is anxiety keeping you from saying no? And when does a ‘yes’ to Kevin in accounting end up forcing you into a ‘no’ for your own goals and values?” Valid point, Dr. Rebecca, if I do say so myself.)
All of that’s well and good, and I’ll assume you’re on board with the idea of getting a little more comfy with no. Now we get to move on to the good stuff — how do you actually… do it??
How To Get Comfortable With Saying No
Option 1: Get in Tune with Your Body
One of the key pieces of learning how to say no is understanding that intuition and anxiety are different things. Saying “no” makes you feel uncomfortable. That’s understandable! Experiencing pain and discomfort often makes us change our behavior. That’s GREAT! Highly adaptive, even — if you didn’t change your behavior in response to discomfort, you wouldn’t do things like take your hand off the stove when you feel the heat. With emotional discomfort, your intuition comes into play: “This guy makes me feel kind of awful about myself. I’m not sticking around for that.” FABULOUS.
But that mechanism doesn’t always work in our favor when anxiety is also present. When you start to feel internal discomfort from saying no, that might not be an indication that you’re doing the wrong thing. That “oh no, I don’t feel good! Maybe I should say yes! Maybe this is the wrong choice!” NOPE. If the “no” is more in line with what you want than the “yes” is, this discomfort is less about intuition and more about anxiety.
Think Of Your Values and Goals
Instead of allowing the anxiety to drive this particular decision, I invite you to think about (1) your values, and (2) your longer-term goals. Remind yourself, “I have already mapped this out. I’ve already taken the time to understand myself, and I’ve already taken the time to figure out what my values are, so I’m confident in this no. This “no” might make me uncomfortable, and that’s ok. I am so strong!” (You’re right! You are so strong! You can do hard things! You can withstand the discomfort! You are remarkably resilient!)
Does that mean you should just sit in discomfort forever? Not at all. It’s so important to recognize the discomfort so that you can self-soothe. Self-soothing is not only allowed, it’s vital for this process to succeed. In that vein, I encourage you to take the time to ask yourself, “How do I make my body feel better when I’m doing something uncomfortable that requires resilience?”
The answer might be something as simple as simple as deep breathing, moving your body, making sure you’re fed, taking a nap, or taking a walk to get back into your body. Your goal is to determine what your body needs to feel soothed and to take care of yourself in that way.
Option 2: Recruit Your Values
Another strategy for saying no is journalling about your HELL YESes.
In his excellent book “Atomic Habits,” James Clear writes, “We often say yes to little requests because we are not clear enough about what we need to be doing instead.” What a totally mundane and absolutely abundantly true facet of this issue. Not only is “no” uncomfortable, but it becomes really difficult to justify (1) our own discomfort and (2) the disappointment of others if that “no” is not based on our values.
So grab a pen and a cute little notebook (yes, the Notes app works too) and take a little time to explore the following questions.
1. Reflect on a time when saying "yes" made you feel proud, fulfilled, or excited. What values were you honoring by saying "yes"?
2. Think about a recent situation where you felt pressured to say "yes" but later regretted it. What values were compromised in that situation? How did it make you feel?
3. Consider your long-term goals and aspirations. What values are most important to you in achieving these goals? How can saying "no" align with these values?
4. Imagine your ideal day or week where you feel balanced and fulfilled. Get super specific about situations, commitments, etc. How does this fantasy reflect your core values?
5. Reflect on the times when you've said "no" to something and felt empowered by that decision. What values were you upholding by saying "no"? How did it impact your well-being?
6. Interview your 80-year-old self (yes, I mean it!). What is she proud she said yes to? What is she relieved she said no to? Ask about specific decisions as well as broad categories.
7. Interview your 5-year-old self (yep, still mean it!). What is she impressed with you for saying yes to? Ask for her advice about how she got so good at “no” (if she’s anything like the 5-year-olds I know, she’s a master of it). Ask how you can make her proud today.
8. Imagine your life without any external pressures or expectations. What would you prioritize based solely on your own values, goals, and desires?
Once you have answers here that feel like they really click for you, I think that no will get a lot easier.
Option 3: Chat with a Shrink (i.e., an Anxiety Therapist. We’re super nice, I swear!)
For some people, that automatic YES is deeply ingrained and tied up with a huge amount of history and baggage. Will techniques like self-soothing and journalling help? I really think they will! For many of my patients, however, these tactics are best supported by their work with me in therapy for anxiety, particularly when anxiety feels overwhelming and like it’s really taking this yes/no decision away from them. If this resonates with you and you’re in Louisiana or Virginia, check out my website, I’d love to see if I can help. Click here to get on my schedule and we’ll get started ASAP.
Say No Without The Anxiety With The Help of Therapy For Anxiety in New Orleans, LA!
Taking the step to seek therapy for anxiety is a powerful act of self-care. Learning to say no more often is essential for setting healthy boundaries and preserving your mental well-being. Embrace the strength in no with the help of Rebecca AE Smith; it will protect your energy and allow you to focus on what truly matters in your journey to a more balanced and peaceful life. Follow these three simple steps to get started:
Begin meeting with skilled anxiety therapist, Rebecca AE Smith, Ph.D.
Start saying “no” without the anxiety!
Other Services Offered With Rebecca AE Smith, Ph.D.
Are you a millennial struggling with anxiety, perfectionism, life transitions, and more? With Rebecca AE Smith, Ph.D., I can help you work through your struggles or challenges to begin managing and coping with your symptoms in healthy ways. So in addition to helping you embrace saying “no” without anxiety in Therapy for Anxiety, I offer Therapy for Women for those who struggle with burnout, stress, work-life balance, navigating relationships, and more! I also provide Therapy for Perfectionism for those struggling to overcome their symptoms and stress of feeling perfect all the time. At my practice, I provide online services for those in Louisiana and Virginia. For more about me check out my About Me page and Blog!